Monday, October 31, 2005


Figure (a)
Due to the recent lack of decent waves, all recent waves being a lie, Team Shredder has temporarily refocused their energies on to creating historical tableaux. Pictured here is Sea Monkey atop the "Black Beauty," and her horse with no name.

Thursday, October 27, 2005


A miracle of science: Sea Monkey is surgically separated from vestigial twin

Pictured here in her hospital bed is Debbie, Sea Monkey's former vestigial twin, recovering beautifully after successful separation surgery at Southern California's world renowned La Jolla Center for Plastic Surgery. The surgery lasted 12 hours and went smoothly, without incident.
We spoke with Debbie briefly after her morning sponge bath and physical therapy. Debbie says she looks forward to a new life of freedom and adventure, including plans to travel, and some day she hopes to settle down and have children. She expects to remain close with Sea Monkey.
"They say you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. Sea Monkey is my best friend. I want to keep her by my side, no pun intended, and now we get to do that in an empowered, conscious way."
Sea Monkey was resting and unavailable for comment at the time of this interview.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


Jazz Up Your Workout Blahs with Team Shredder's Official Warm-Up Routine

"Surfing is the new yoga."

Figure (a) Like all great athletes throughout history, Sea Monkey likes to "visualize" the wave via dance movement therapy. Figure (b) Sea Monkey is pictured here getting her yoni freak on, a vital step in preparation for his "face off" with the sea.

Monday, October 24, 2005


The Cap'n returns to port of SD from port of Philadelphia with trophy bride with which to gift Sea Monkey with

as a thank you for his loyal devotion to the team.

Friday, October 21, 2005


Cap'n Leads Crusade To Provide Affordable Housing For Lesbians with Vestigial Twins!

[Above: Lesbians after first date. Below: Lesbian Housing]

paula vestigial twin

The Capn's out there gettin it gone, taking time off from her busy pipelining schedule to help her friends Lizzy and Kristen, who are living through the highs and lows of Lizzy having a
vestigial twin the size of a 4th-grader--named Tommy or something-- wrapped around her waist. Lizzy and Kristen and Tommy have been marginalized up to here. It's bad enough that Tommy's lips move whenever LIZZY's lips wrap themselves around Kristen's nipple, and he don't have no esophagus! Does this struggling little family have to live in the alley TOO?!

Top photo: Note how this x-ray of conjoined twins has nothing to do with vestigial twins, who really don't bring much brain power to the table, being basically blobs with one eye, 4 teeth and a torso that might be a leg. Below that: Lizzy and Kristen's current home, affectionately dubbed the "Li'l Clubhouse," a woodpile soon to be transformed, thanks to the Capn's ingenuity and rippling muscles, into a showpile. Good luck, Team Vestigial!
Stay tuned for My Sister, My Lover: My Life as a Vestigial Twin, by Tommy the Vestigial Twin.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


I Know Why The Caged Bird Gets On The Bed

Bestselling author of

Team Shredder Press, 2006

Monday, October 17, 2005


A#1 Dagger saves the day

That’s right people, Zoe Strauss came through and saved The Cap’n (corrected spelling) from a major harsh toke.
How could the Virgo LOSE HER WALLET??? That concept alone was almost worse than the harsh reality itself. But it did happen, and now I know how it feels, people. I’m sorry for everything. Perhaps it was the 2 beers at dinner w/Zoe, at South Phila’s Marra’s Italian restaurant. Instant unconscious asshole, just add 2 beers. I’d left my wallet on the table, went all the way home, and didn’t notice it missing till the next morning, when I was heading out to breakfast with my A#1 excellent uncle Stanley. Sweating, panic, searching high and low. Turns out the owner of Marra’s had found and kept it for me. Problem was, I had to come up to NY to be with Mrs. Torrance because she’s singing tonight (see below,) and I had to catch the morning train way before Marra’s opened on Sunday. So the #1 Dagger of the world went and got it for me, and she’s overnight mailing it here to Eileen’s place where we’re staying. That’s an ok thing to do, right? It won’t get lost, right? Anyway, the owner, either named Sal or Mauricio, I forget, was so nice. He said to Zoe, “I kept the wallet in my pocket all night and took it home with me, I was so worried. Yeah, I remember you girls, you were here last night, your friend's kinda tough.”
Thanks again Dagger, and Sal or Mauricio. Now I won’t have to cancel all my shit and be stone cold busted for a week in NY, without even I.D. to get back on the plane, you know what I’m saying?


Juliana Snapper sings Manoury tonight

Just to let our gentle readers know, the glory of Juliana Snapper cannot be stopped. That's right, comin' back at you tonight is Ms. Snapper performing Phillippe Manoury's en Echo, for solo soprano and computer. Miller Puckette is putting in real time on the computer.
The concert is Monday, Oct. 17, 8:00 PM, at NYU's Frederic Lowe Theater, 35 W. 4th st.
If you want to know what's real, you need to come to this show and find out.

Friday, October 14, 2005


The Penis. The Dollar. The Lie.

by Dick Blew

Team Shredder Press, 2005

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


Alert from Sea Monkey

Originally uploaded by bryanwings.

Left: Scratch that. Right: Sea Monkey consults with employees at her lab

Memo: Not only is Sea Monkey a rake, a rogue, a bon vivant, a raconteur, and an internationally celebrated astrobiophysicist, she is also the tiniest member of Team Shredder, fitting snugly in your pocket. Sadly, however, she must don, for two seconds, another of her many caps: that of Team Linguist--and it is in this capacity that she finds herself forced, with much regret, to make this corrective post, to set things straight, to uphold the dazzling ethical standards for which Team Shredder is justly celebrated both on Land and Sea.

My friends, "The Capt'n" is not who she says she is. Most alarmingly, she herself is unaware of this fact. Forgive me, Sir, for bringing this to the attention of our rapt audience, but it's for your own good, that you might continue to inspire your surfing minions with the shining example of excellence for which you are justly celebrated from the BOARDroom to the Bedroom.

Sir, you cannot spell. I done tol you and tol you that your title is "CAP'N", not "Capt'n". No "T". As I'm sure our many fans and readers will agree, you don't want your record besmirched by unwarranted comparisons to that other fraudulent Leader of the Free World, who is famed for misplacing letters in words, leading to the misplacement of words in his mouth, and thereby incorrect thoughts in the minds of his subjects. Having an apostrophe after the "T" jettisons the purpose of the contraction--hilarious pronunciation--into the ether, much as Sea Monkey often finds herself flicked into the stratosphere like an ant from the magnificent face of even six-inch waves. Permission to be impudent, Sir? "Capt'n" sounds just like "Captain", so why bother?

Sir, having attended college--or, as some people refer to it, "TeeVee"--I learned early on from CAP'N CRUNCH, one of my personal heroes, that "Cap'n" is spelled "Cap'n". Therefore, may I suggest that you change the spelling of your title to "Cap'n", which more closely befits your actual rank: Cap'n. That our readers might avoid even more confusion than they undoubtedly already feel? Through no fault of your own? Having no one but themselves to blame for most of their own disorientation? Sir?

I'm just saying,
Sea Monkey


An oasis of possibility.

Monday, October 10, 2005


Are you there god? It's me, Sea Monkey

It was a dang that the Doctor was too exhausted today. Not to rub it in, but it was glassy and sweet and she may have gotten some mad rides. Like that first time she rocketed along the impossible true wall of green. It was like suddenly all absurdity and futility fell dying beneath us and all that was left was now. Could we bear the terrible beauty? Paddling back out with an insane smile and wild eyes, she screamed, "It was like seeing the face of god!"
We'll see the green tomorrow, G.


keepin' it real up in here

I know it hurts, sweetie, and you have a lot on your mind, but...check this out

Saturday, October 08, 2005


Recent Acquisitions

It looked like a massive tragedy for Team Shredder. Ali called to say she had to sell the Snoop deVille. She needed the money and her 6 jobs just weren't cutting it. Much to our chagrin she'd replaced surfing with playing grand theft auto and riding her new ducatti. The Team has never recovered. But in her Uber-generosity she lent us the Snoop indeffinitely. Over time Wocks determined that she wasn't feeling the Snoop, so we switched out, and our current winning setup has been her on the Snow Pony and me on the Snoop. And we've gotten quite complacent in this arrangement. Our only other choice would be the 8'0" Tired Guppy, otherwise known as the Mustang Megalodon, or the 'Tang, if you will, and which our Satelite Correspondant Miss Kara refers to as the Kim Novak. Yes, we COULD ride the 'Tang, but who wants to any more? It was my beloved first board that I "learned" on, and The Doctor too had many "interesting" early experiences on it, but let's face it.....we're longboarders! We can't live if living is without the glide.
Dr. Wocks has fallen in lust with the Snow Pony and is truly blossoming on it, and after pearling about 800,000 times, I've grown to really love the Snoop. If you get your shit together and find that pocket on a steep yet friendly wave it lets you go really fast, and then you get a mad ride. What's so wrong about that, G?
Thus you can imagine our horror at the thought of Ali sadly taking the Snoop down to the sad surf shop, where some undeserving yet utterly entitled choad would snatch it from our lives forever. NO!
Team Shredder has officially added the Snoop deVille to it's permanent collection, with the proviso that Ali can ride it any time she wants.

Eye of the tiger, babes.

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