Team Shredder

Left: Scratch that. Right: Sea Monkey consults with employees at her lab

Memo: Not only is Sea Monkey a rake, a rogue, a bon vivant, a raconteur, and an internationally celebrated astrobiophysicist, she is also the tiniest member of Team Shredder, fitting snugly in your pocket. Sadly, however, she must don, for two seconds, another of her many caps: that of Team Linguist--and it is in this capacity that she finds herself forced, with much regret, to make this corrective post, to set things straight, to uphold the dazzling ethical standards for which Team Shredder is justly celebrated both on Land and Sea.

My friends, "The Capt'n" is not who she says she is. Most alarmingly, she herself is unaware of this fact. Forgive me, Sir, for bringing this to the attention of our rapt audience, but it's for your own good, that you might continue to inspire your surfing minions with the shining example of excellence for which you are justly celebrated from the BOARDroom to the Bedroom.

Sir, you cannot spell. I done tol you and tol you that your title is "CAP'N", not "Capt'n". No "T". As I'm sure our many fans and readers will agree, you don't want your record besmirched by unwarranted comparisons to that other fraudulent Leader of the Free World, who is famed for misplacing letters in words, leading to the misplacement of words in his mouth, and thereby incorrect thoughts in the minds of his subjects. Having an apostrophe after the "T" jettisons the purpose of the contraction--hilarious pronunciation--into the ether, much as Sea Monkey often finds herself flicked into the stratosphere like an ant from the magnificent face of even six-inch waves. Permission to be impudent, Sir? "Capt'n" sounds just like "Captain", so why bother?

Sir, having attended college--or, as some people refer to it, "TeeVee"--I learned early on from CAP'N CRUNCH, one of my personal heroes, that "Cap'n" is spelled "Cap'n". Therefore, may I suggest that you change the spelling of your title to "Cap'n", which more closely befits your actual rank: Cap'n. That our readers might avoid even more confusion than they undoubtedly already feel? Through no fault of your own? Having no one but themselves to blame for most of their own disorientation? Sir?

I'm just saying,
Sea Monkey